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Post by HoM on Aug 16, 2007 16:58:53 GMT -5
Let's try that again, shall we?
Please, tell me what you think!
And sorry for the delay with getting this issue out! With Justice League Vs America in full swing last week, I didn't want to inundate you with a book that had nothing to do with that amazing event!
READ ON, FAIR TRAVELLER!
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Post by Mr Clown on Aug 17, 2007 16:04:28 GMT -5
You did right by re-doing some of the scenes man. I didn't really think about it, until I read the first draft a second time, but your improvements went a long way for the story. I especially like the new twist at the end.
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Post by Crow on Aug 17, 2007 17:48:00 GMT -5
I loved the issue! I like the direction fo the plot, especially the end: I've always had a love for the Shade, especially when one can't be sure whether he's good or bad.
Favorite Scene: Blessing the rain. That's awesome, and I'm betting someone's going to steal the idea for a movie.
It's good that I have an idea of all the fun projects coming DC2's way...Can't wait for more Charlie!
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Post by starlord on Aug 17, 2007 21:41:53 GMT -5
I enjoyed this issue even more then the first one. I honestly think you have a hit on your hand, Charlie. Although we are going to have to talk, LOL!
Great entrance for Madame Xanadu and I can really see your love for Robinson in your interpretation of the Shade.
Great job, my friend.
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Susan Hillwig
Staff 
I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested.
Posts: 1,612
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Post by Susan Hillwig on Aug 19, 2007 14:24:56 GMT -5
Blessing the rain was a materful move, indeed. And before that, the best lines:
The pew at the back of the church was pushed away from the door with ease. “Here’s--”
“Shut up!” shouted the lead vampire, as he slapped the half faced creature who lead the large group inside the church on the back of the head. “I do not want your clichéd entrances ruining everyone else’s. We’re God-damn vampires! Creatures of the night! Not freaking Jack Nicholson!”
“You said ‘God’,” sniggered the second vampire.
Too damn funny! Curious to see where the story on a whole is going. And it just occurred to me: Dcotor, Rose...it's really hard for me to not picture Richard looking like Daivid Tennant and talking with a British accent. ;D
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Post by arcalian on Aug 19, 2007 18:18:07 GMT -5
The vampire banter was hilarious!
Ahh, but which side are you really on, Shade? And are you Shade at all?
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Post by HoM on Aug 19, 2007 18:34:56 GMT -5
You did right by re-doing some of the scenes man. I didn't really think about it, until I read the first draft a second time, but your improvements went a long way for the story. I especially like the new twist at the end. Thanks, Mike. Due to some feedback from Don, I added some more nuances to the story, and added depth where it had been lacking for. Thanks for that, Mr Walsh, I appreciate it. It also allowed me to go back and steep it much more in reality (as much in reality as a fantasy book with vampires can be steeped in), with the addition of Latin. I wanted to originally use Psalm 23, a favourite, heh, but I couldn't find a translation that worked for me. I want to thank Mark for helping me out on the Latin front. A very helpful person to have in your corner. I loved the issue! I like the direction fo the plot, especially the end: I've always had a love for the Shade, especially when one can't be sure whether he's good or bad. Favorite Scene: Blessing the rain. That's awesome, and I'm betting someone's going to steal the idea for a movie. It's good that I have an idea of all the fun projects coming DC2's way...Can't wait for more Charlie! The Shade is going to play a role in the book, but not the one you think. More will be revealed early next year, by the look of how the book is coming out. And thanks, the blessing of the rain thing was fun to write, but I felt I had to rationalise it more, so that's where the Latin came in. That is, truthfully, the actual incantation (if you could call it that) for blessing water. I didn't want a 'point-and-click' method, ala Dogma. I enjoyed this issue even more then the first one. I honestly think you have a hit on your hand, Charlie. Although we are going to have to talk, LOL! Great entrance for Madame Xanadu and I can really see your love for Robinson in your interpretation of the Shade. Great job, my friend. You have my inbox, bro. And can I say that nothing is throwaway! So the tarot will come back to haunt Doc, and the dear Madame will return too, but how will she be changed by the events at the end of the issue? There's only one way to find out... And that's by reading the book! Blessing the rain was a materful move, indeed. And before that, the best lines: The pew at the back of the church was pushed away from the door with ease. “Here’s--”
“Shut up!” shouted the lead vampire, as he slapped the half faced creature who lead the large group inside the church on the back of the head. “I do not want your clichéd entrances ruining everyone else’s. We’re God-damn vampires! Creatures of the night! Not freaking Jack Nicholson!”
“You said ‘God’,” sniggered the second vampire.
Too damn funny! Curious to see where the story on a whole is going. And it just occurred to me: Dcotor, Rose...it's really hard for me to not picture Richard looking like Daivid Tennant and talking with a British accent. ;D If you read my House Of Mystery installement, that was me writing and going, "crap, and I writing a Doc Who fic?!" But if we're going to go with the Who analogy, Occult is more Ecceleston, as he's been through so much that we don't know about, and there's something just behind his eyes, lurking... But I get you  The vampire banter was hilarious! Ahh, but which side are you really on, Shade? And are you Shade at all? Thanks Jay, you'll find out soon! And the vampires were fun to write. My favourite line being "dude, my face is officially melting", or something to that effect. |
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Post by lissilambe on Aug 21, 2007 20:27:26 GMT -5
Not bad. Definitely an improvement over the first version of the story, which was flat and rushed it felt to me. this one at least, was more fleshed out and with stronger language and a better grasp of what each of the scenes is intended for. You also do a much better job of slipping in mystery where it should belong.
I was sorry the woman remained such a cipher. I always feel that, if you're going to have the hero struggling to save a victim, the victim should be someone, and this woman isn't. she's just luggage, even disposed of as baggage in the scene where she's returned home. The story would have been served as well if she weren't in the issue at all, of if Richard had arrived too late in the first place.
Thank you for the kind words above, I'm glad they were able to help you out. Hopefully, we get to see more of all our players and where this tale is leading.
Take care
Don
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Post by Crow on Aug 22, 2007 6:30:16 GMT -5
Not bad. Definitely an improvement over the first version of the story, which was flat and rushed it felt to me. this one at least, was more fleshed out and with stronger language and a better grasp of what each of the scenes is intended for. You also do a much better job of slipping in mystery where it should belong. I was sorry the woman remained such a cipher. I always feel that, if you're going to have the hero struggling to save a victim, the victim should be someone, and this woman isn't. she's just luggage, even disposed of as baggage in the scene where she's returned home. The story would have been served as well if she weren't in the issue at all, of if Richard had arrived too late in the first place. Thank you for the kind words above, I'm glad they were able to help you out. Hopefully, we get to see more of all our players and where this tale is leading. Take care Don I took writing courses and I know there's the whole "Gun" thing, where, as the saying goes, if you introduce a gun in the first act of your play [and other stories] you must throw it back in somewhere later. By why does the woman necessarily have to be important? In real life, a cop may save a celebrity, his brother, or someone he doesn't know at all. It happens. Or, who's to say the woman won't be important in the future? We may not know virtually anything about her, or her name, but who's to say she won't someone trickle back in later? |
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Post by lissilambe on Aug 22, 2007 11:11:46 GMT -5
Well, not quite. What you're trying to think of is "If you want to use a gun in the third act, you must introduce it somewhere in the first act, even if it's not in the forefront of the scene." That's the guideline you're trying to think of, I'm pretty sure.
I feel that the victim should have been more fleshed out so that I cared whether Occult succeeds in saving her or not. Tension and drama comes from whether or not the protagonist succeeds, and in order to make us worry over the fate of the impending victims, it works best if we have some notion of the hopes and fears of said victim. The issue of the Outsiders with Sabbac's return is an excellent example off the top of my head: the woman in the bus who we are introduced to, shown why she's a good, cool person, giving us a viewpoint into the horror to come and hoping maybe she'll get out, so when she doesn't, we can feel the tragedy of the scene, for her life (and by extension, all the lives of the bus victims). I don't really care for Winick, but that was good writing.
Ultimately, any time I write a comment, review or critique, it's always my opinion on the matter. I feel that the woman was a cipher that added nothing to the tale. I have no need to defend that view, and am unlikely to in the future. For me, the story lacked something because of the cipher that was the victim.
Take care
Don
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Post by HoM on Mar 3, 2008 10:11:27 GMT -5
Umm...
#3 is coming soon.
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