Five Go To The North Pole
Written by Mark Bowers
Edited by James Stubbs
It was that most special of special days and all through the day Rudolph had been out all in the forest, conversing with all the woodland creatures. Now, back at home, he quickly ate his dinner, said goodbye to his mom, and set out to meet Santa.
However, just as he stepped out of the door, he encountered five strangely-costumed individuals. One wore a clown outfit, one particularly rotund one hovered in the air, one carried a bow and arrow, one was dressed all in blue, and the final one was a pretty girl with long blonde hair.
“Hello, folks,” he said to them, wondering when the circus had arrived in town.
“No reindeer games for you tonight,” said the girl, as she punched him in his glowing red nose. Suddenly the world was spinning, and the woodland birds were tweeting round his head, and then his nose stopped glowing and went dim as all his lights went out.
*****
Although she was in her late teens, Athena Tremor still believed in Santa. In return for that belief, every Christmas Eve, Santa would bring her whatever she’d put on her Christmas list, ready for her when she woke up the next day, wide eyed, full of the joys of the season.
However, this year, Santa was particularly noisy, and she woke up to hear him stomping away. Normally, being a sound sleeper, her brain impervious to pondering, she’d have gone right back on sleeping, but this was not a night like other nights and, full of seasonal excitement, she leaped out of her bed to see what he’d brought her. After all, she couldn’t be expected to remember what she’d put down on her Christmas list - she’d written it over a month ago, and it wasn’t like she was some kind of History Major.
To her dismay, she found a lump of coal at the foot of her bed. She grabbed it in her hand, squeezed it tightly, then threw it away. A do-it-yourself diamond kit - surely that hadn’t been on her list.
“Bad Santa,” she snarled, and, not about to let this injustice go unfixed, she donned her superheroine outfit, cleverly designed to conceal everything but her face. “This right will be wronged, so says Dumb Bunny,” said Dumb Bunny, as she raced towards the fireplace, ready to ascend the chimney.
*****
William King had been unable to sleep, for this was Christmas Eve, a night that filled him with dread even more so than other nights. He trembled as he kept thinking of strangers creeping in through his chimney, or of Santa getting trapped there and decomposing. He kept telling himself his fears were irrational - after all, his house didn’t have a chimney - but still he couldn’t sleep.
And so he lay in bed, looking out of his window to the street below, where multiple evils could have been concealed beneath the white covering of snow. Turning his attention to the dark night sky, trying not to think about the ninja that might lurk there, he spotted a sleigh and reindeer resting on a nearby roof; the roof of his friend Athena. This surprised him. While he believed in leprechauns and witches and ghosts and goblins and all manner of evil, he certainly didn’t believe in Santa. He continued to watch as someone emerged from the chimney, but that person wasn’t fat, he didn’t have a big white beard, and he certainly wasn’t jolly. The suited figure was tall and thin and insane, with a ghastly grin that sent shivers down William’s spine.
William looked at the poster on his wall, that old man with a hearty laugh and a white beard, who sometimes wore a hood and sometimes a hat, and had a thing for stockings. That was his hero, someone who William could believe in, but what would Green Arrow do in a situation like this?
Immediately he knew the answer, and then he was William King no longer, as he put on his mask, becoming the tangerine toxophilite that men call the White Feather.
With shaking fingers, he grabbed his cell phone and texted his teammates just two words:
He’s back!
*****
Myron Victor was burning the midnight oil, desperate to meet a Christmas deadline, the latest blank comic page taunting him, when he heard his phone beep. He picked it up and saw a message. ‘He’s back!’ it said. Who was back? Not that it mattered, for there was crime in the air that night, and the world needed the jester of justice known as Merryman.
Pulling on his outfit, he stumbled to the door, and went outside in the snow, to find a dark cloud hovering over him. He looked up to see that it was his teammate, The Blimp.
“Hi, Merryman. Just bumped into Awkwardman and turns out we need to get to Dumb Bunny’s roof quick. He’s back!”
“Who’s back?”
“Only that macabre moptop of mayhem, the Mad Mod!” said the White Feather, dashing into view. “The Blimp needs to get us up there now! Only we can stop the Mad Mod! Dumb Bunny needs us now! You and Awkwardman can go first. Don’t worry, I’ll be right behind. Maybe a rooftop or two away.”
Merryman rolled his eyes, and then put his hand out to The Blimp.
“Guess we better get going,” he said, as The Blimp pulled him aloft.
*****
The Mad Mod was sitting in the sleigh, having a rest. How did that old guy Santa manage it? The Mad Mod had only visited a few houses and he was already exhausted, not to mention covered in soot.
Then he heard a sound on the roof. He opened his eyes and saw a guy in a jester’s outfit suddenly standing there.
Must be a dream, he figured, and closed his eyes again.
Then there was another sound, and a guy in a bad imitation Batman outfit had joined the jester. He closed his eyes again; this dream was even worse than that coma he’d been in. *
*House of Mystery #3
And then there was another sound, and he saw them standing there in front of him. Four of the Inferior Five.
He shook his head in disbelief as he stepped out of his sleigh.
“Gordon Bennett! Lord love a duck! Not you lot again?”
“We don’t know what you’re doing, Mr. Mod, but stop right now,” said Merryman. “Otherwise, I, Merryman, will have to stop your nefarious plans.”
“You really think you can harm me with your thousand gimmicks?” said the Mad Mod, with a laugh. “Well, I have a few gimmicks of my own.”
“No, you’re thinking of-” Merryman began correcting him, but then he saw the Mad Mod pull out a book and begin reading.
And then time seemed to cease as the Mad Mod read from his book, full of hypnotic commands and subliminal messages. Merryman barely had time to read the title ‘Tales Calculated To Drive You Mod’ before he and the others found themselves rooted to the spot, unable to move, as the world began to go psychedelic around them.
“Kneel before Mod, sons of the Freedom Brigade,” the monstrous Modster of Madness, dressed in sooty blackness, intoned.
And that’s when Dumb Bunny’s head suddenly burst out of the chimney, putting a severe dent in his spell, and surprising the Mad Mod to such an extent that he lost his footing and went sliding down the roof, disappearing from sight.
“Thanks, Dumb Bunny, you saved us,” White Feather said. “You defeated the Mad Mod.”
“But I was after Santa,” she said, climbing out of the chimney, her costume all sooty.
“It was just the Mad Mod pretending to be Santa,” explained Merryman. “There’s no such person as Santa. He’s just a-”
“Blasphemy!,” yelled the reindeer in unison. “Of course there’s a Santa. He takes care of us.”
This took the Inferior Five by surprise, so much so that Awkwardman also lost his footing and went tumbling down in the direction of the Mad Mod, gathering snow as he went.
“See, I told you there was a Santa,” said Dumb Bunny triumphantly, as the Blimp slowly set off to retrieve Awkwardman. Then she looked at the reindeer and noticed the uniform dullness of their noses. “Where’s Rudolph?”
“He was captured, along with Santa, by the Mad Mod and his henchmen,” explained Donner. “The Mad Mod was angry because many years ago, when he was just a child, Santa had left him just a lump of coal.”
“So, he’s been using the sleigh to visit houses to rob them,” surmised Merryman. “What an evil plan.”
The reindeer took a step back. “No, what a Scroogy thought. He’s just swapped the naughty and nice lists around, so that this year the bad guys get all the wonderful toys.”
“Don’t worry, I’m okay,” interrupted Awkwardman, as The Blimp gently set him down on the roof, and then he gave a cry of dismay as he slid off again.
“How’s the Mad Mod?” Dumb Bunny asked The Blimp. “I hope he’s not dead, and I have to take over being the Mad Mod like in that Tim Allen movie.”
“No, I’m no medical expert,” said The Blimp, “but he seems to be in a coma, especially since Awkwardman keeps falling on him.” And then The Blimp slowly set off to retrieve Awkwardman once more.
“So, looks like everything’s been resolved,” said Merryman, rubbing his hands, “and I can get back to my impossible deadlines. I’m sure you reindeer can go and release Santa and Rudolph now.”
“No,” said Dasher and Dancer and Prancer.
“He had henchmen remember,” added Comet and Cupid and Vixen.
“He had his own superteam,” revealed Donner and Blitzen.
Merryman winced at the thought. “Please don’t say they’re called the Mod Squad.”
“No,” said Dasher, shaking his head. “First he sent some white Martians posing as elves.”
“But Santa Claus conquered the Martians,” explained Dancer. “That’s when the Mad Mod sent in a new group of supervillains.”
“S-s-supervillains?” said the White Feather. “Th-that doesn’t sound good. C-can’t the elves help you?”
“Elves have left the building,” the reindeer announced. “You have to help us. You have to save Santa. And most of all, you have to save the one who leads our sleigh, with his nose so bright - Oh, how we regret calling him those names.”
“Don’t worry,” said Dumb Bunny, talking to her new four-legged friends. “We’ll save your leader. And Santa. The world needs them, especially this time of year.”
At that point, The Blimp and Awkwardman reappeared. “So, guys, what’s happening?”
“We’re on a mission,” said Merryman. “The Inferior Five have to save Santa.”
“That’s not all,” said the reindeer.
“Yes, we have to save Christmas,” said the White Feather.
“I think they meant saving Rudolph,” said Dumb Bunny.
The deer nodded. “Save the deer leader, save the world.”
*****
High in the sky, in an eight-deer open sleigh, the Inferior Five flew over a frozen landscape.
“Th-th-this is a bad idea,” said White Feather, who thanks to the oncoming snow was now as white as his name. “I thought I was used to sh-shivering, but this is just ridiculous.”
The reindeer tutted. Santa never complained about the cold, and he was a lot better at being inconspicuous, and boy was this Christmas Eve dragging. They missed the old Santa magic.
“We should almost be there,” said Merryman, the droopy ends of his jester hat frozen in place, as he looked at his compass, covered with layers of ice, through his glasses, covered with even more ice.
Just as White Feather was wondering if this nightmare before Christmas would ever end, the snow parted, and below them they saw a forest and a Christmas village.
“Hooray! We’re home!,” said the reindeer, and the sleigh swooped down towards Santa’s workshop.
Dumb Bunny’s eyes were glazed, nay, double glazed with wonder at the sight of Santa’s beautiful fairytale homeland, with its quaint houses, lights pouring from nearly every window.
Merryman had been hoping that the supervillains would be waiting outside to meet them, so
they could have ploughed them down outside with the reindeer, but luck had never
been on his side.
He remembered that his superhero parents had always wanted him to be more like
his perfect cousin; all of his teammates had similar stories. It was times like this, when danger was to be faced, that he wished they were more like their relatives.
Suddenly a pair of elves appeared, all battered and bruised.
“Winky? Blinky?” said the shocked reindeer.
"You’re back," said the elves. "You have to save Santa and Rudy. The bad guys are holding them hostage in Santa’s Workshop." They pointed in unison towards a large building, its windows dark and foreboding.
“Don’t worry,” said Merryman, holding a hand up to calm them, “we’re the Inferior Five.”
As the elves shook their heads and worried, the Inferior Five walked over to Santa’s Workshop. While the White Feather cowered behind his teammates, Merryman’s knuckles rapped on the door.
There was no answer.
“M-maybe we should just go home,” suggested the White Feather. “The bad guys will just get bored here eventually, doesn’t look like there’s much nightlife around here.”
Merryman ignored his cowardly cowering colleague and knocked again.
This time, after a long wait, the door smashed outwards, as did numerous windows, as the supervillains burst out of Santa’s Workshop, spreading glass and mayhem everywhere.
The Inferior Five braced themselves, ready for an attack, but the supervillains went for the reindeer first, followed by the elves, knocking them all out cold with a mixture of punches and knuckleduster arrows with such speed that the Inferior Five didn’t have time to react. Then, the villains turned their attention to the would-be heroes.
The Inferior Five looked at the pumped-up supervillains before them, as they adopted various mean and gritty poses. They somehow looked familiar: an evil clown of silence, an archer, a large floating behemoth, a shimmering blue guy, a glamorous blonde.
“Are th-they who I think they are?” asked the White Feather.
“You mean us from a crazy future parallel dimension where we’ve turned evil, and the air is full of steroids, and Justin Bieber is president?” Dumb Bunny guessed.
“Worse than that,” said Merryman, looking at the white-faced figure facing him. “I think they’re our relatives.”
“Oh yeah,” Dumb Bunny said, slapping her forehead and almost knocking herself out. “You’re right. That’s a relief - I don’t think Justin’s quite ready yet.”
“That’s right,” said a villain dressed in blue. “You’re the runts of the litter, while we’re the Superior Five. They call me Tremor!”
“Me too,” said Dumb Bunny. “How confusing?”
Dumb Bunny’s blonde half-sister looked at her disparagingly, then continued the roll call. “Lagomorph!”
“Splitshot!” yelled the archer.
“Hindenburg!” yelled the floating giant that men called Hindenburg.
Finally, The Jongleur revealed his name through the medium of mime.
“Don’t pani-” said Merryman, just before his cousin’s fist hit his face, knocking him cold. The Jongleur, for that was his cousin, leaped off him and glared at the other heroes with sinister silence.
“W-we surrender,” said the White Feather, as Splitshot fired an arrow straight at him. The braking-just-in-the-nick-of-time arrow stopped in the air, just an inch from his face, causing the White Feather to faint, plopping down into the snow.
“Two down, three to go,” said Tremor, as he stomped his foot down, causing the ground to shake.
Fortunately Awkwardman was used to being unsteady on all sorts of grounds, so managed to stay on his feet and get closer to his evil stepbrother. “This stops here, Trevor,” he said, as he flung his fist at his killer kin, though unfortunately that finally threw him off balance and instead of hitting his adversary, Awkwardman found himself rolling along the ground, a giant snowball forming around him. “Not again,” he cried, as he rolled off.
Overhead, the Blimp was trying to outrun his half-brother, the Hindenburg, but the Hindenburg had more mass and more momentum and smashed into the Blimp, sending him flying down to Earth, crashing unconscious into the snow..
“That just leaves you, Athena,” said the blonde brainiac bruiser known as the Lagomorph.
“No, you’re here as well,” shot back Dumb Bunny, who was determined to have the last laugh even if she didn’t understand the joke. “I don’t know what Lego Morphing powers you have, but I’ve got strength and brawn and sheer brute force on my side.”
“I’ve got all that plus brains to spare. Don’t you know that brains beat brawn, you silly rabbit?”
“Yeah, well they say pens beat swords, and rock beats paper, but they could be wrong and they could be right. Anyway, if you were so smart, you’d know my name’s Dumb Bunny.”
And with that, Dumb Bunny charged at the Lagomorph, but just as she drew close, her adversary leaped high into the air.
“Glamor hop!” yelled the Lagomorph, as she struck a pose and came back down, her feet meeting her half-sister’s face, and pushing her deeply and crisply and evenly into the soft snowy ground.
“Glamor hop? What crazy sort of move is that?” asked Dumb Bunny, wiping the snow off herself, as she pushed herself up from off the ground.
“You simpleton semi-sibling, failing to even appreciate that it’s an anagram of Lago-” began the Lagomorph, who loved to explain things in the way that criminals often do, even when faced with heroes who clearly don’t care.
“Dumb Bunny smash!” was Dumb Bunny’s riposte, before the Lagomorph could even finish explaining her linguistic brilliance or indulge in any other anagrammatic combat moves.
“As I was saying-” continued the Lagomorph, but Dumb Bunny’s continued punches stemmed her exposition.
Dumb Bunny looked down at her defeated opponent and smiled, but then Tremor brought his foot down once again, shaking Dumb Bunny back off her feet. If it wasn’t bad enough that he’d stolen her family name, now he rushed over and started punching her while Splitshot fired exploding concussive arrows at her. Before long, she was joining her half-sister in the netherworld of unconsciousness.
*****
Meanwhile, inside Santa’s workshop, with the Superior Five finally out of the way, Rudolph had seized his chance to escape. His red-nose gleamed in the darkness as he bent his head over, wishing he had antlers to cut through his bonds. As it was, he had to use his teeth, while outside he could hear the sounds of battle. Finally, the ropes gave way and he sprang to his feet.
“Now, where have they put Santa?” he said, as he walked around the workshop, his nose gleaming. As he passed a sack, his nose illuminated its contents - contents that were distinctly Santa-shaped. “Don’t worry, Santa, I’ll rescue you, and then we’ll teach those ruffians.”
*****
The villains had gathered together the unconscious bodies of the fallen heroes, and were standing over them, gloating a great deal.
“What a jolly Christmas. Not only did our hated relatives come round, but we got to beat them up as well,” said the Hindenburg.
“Maybe we should kill them,” said Splitshot. “Hissssssssss,” he added, because that was the kind of guy he was.
“Killing’s too good for them,” said the Lagomorph, rubbing her aching head.
“There’s no point,” said Tremor. “What harm can they do us?”
“You’ll have to kill us,” said Merryman, who’d just regained consciousness. He struggled to push himself up, his broken glasses perched on his frozen nose. “We may be inferior, but we never give up.”
The Jongleur walked up to him and laughed silently, and then raised his boot to stamp it down on his cousin.
Merryman braced himself, ready for his Christmas lights to go out, but then he heard the thundering of hooves.
“Call yourself a clown?” he asked The Jongleur. “You haven’t even got a red nose.”
And then Rudolph came plowing into The Jongleur, knocking him off his feet. The Jongleur did a somersault in mid-air and landed on Rudolph’s back.
“I stand corrected,” said Merryman, getting to his feet, as the red-nosed reindeer carried The Jongleur high into the sky.
“Any one of us is still a match for all of you,” said Tremor, but then there was a sound of tiny footsteps behind him, and a hundred remote-control teddy bears came marching out of Santa’s Workshop, making a beeline straight for him.
“You think that mere toys can stop the Superior Five?” said Splitshot, as Tremor drowned in synthetic fur. He didn’t notice that his cousin, the White Feather, was beginning to wake up, until it was almost too late. A split-second later their arrows were meeting in mid-air, as they started fighting each other to a standstill, which gave Santa just the opportunity to rush out and smash Splitshot over his head with his spare sack containing every present in the world and numerous lumps of coal. Splitshot fell face-first into the snow, while the White Feather looked around, seeing if he could help any of his fellow heroes. That was when he saw the Hindenburg.
“I am the Hindenburg,” yelled the Hindenburg as he rushed at the White Feather. The White Feather pulled out a flaming arrow - with a name like Hindenburg the guy was asking for it - but then he found that he was trembling too much to fire it.
“Uh-oh,” said the White Feather as his adversary got nearer and nearer. The Blimp leaped in front of him to protect him, but it was merely a heroic gesture. And then Awkwardman did likewise. Great, now he was going to get squashed by three fat guys rather than one, he thought, as the massive menace got closer and closer, and then Dumb Bunny stood up and flicked the guy away with one finger sending him hurtling in the other direction, head over heels, before finally knocking himself unconscious as he hit the ground, sending snow flying up in the air.
That left only Lagomorph. “So, you think you have me outnumbered,” she said, “but I can out-think you all. All I have to do is-”
And that’s when The Jongleur fell out of the sky and landed on her head, sending both of them into dreamland.
Rudolph zipped down into view. “He was a bad bad man. He got what he deserved.”
“Ho! Ho! Ho!” said Santa, looking at Rudolph and the Inferior Five. “You’ve saved Christmas! And now it’s time for me to give out presents!”
Dumb Bunny rushed up to him. “I want brains!”
“I want courage!” said the White Feather.
“I want to dart!” said the Blimp.
“No, no, no,” said Merryman, “he means to the children. Besides, we don’t need those things, we proved that tonight. We’ve got each other.”
“Yeah,” said Awkwardman, “group hug.” But the others just retreated, remembering the hospitalization that usually resulted from one of Awkwardman’s hugs. Then they suddenly noticed Santa, who was suddenly sad.
“How can I deliver my presents?” said Santa, looking around. “All of my reindeers are out cold, apart from Rudy.”
*****
And so it was, on this Christmas Eve, that Rudolph pulled one side of Santa’s sleigh that night, while The Blimp pulled the other. As a result, the route was a lot more circular than usual.
“This is the best Christmas ever,” said Dumb Bunny, as she became Santa’s helper for the night, her duties including dropping off a sack at the county jail that contained the so-called Superior Five and delivering exactly what she wanted to her own house.
As for Merryman, Santa dropped him off at home, so he could meet his deadline, but there was no need, for when he got there, sitting on the floor, wrapped in a bow, was the completed comic strip. Smiling, he walked up the stairs to bed. For once, Myron Victor was a merry man.
Meanwhile, the White Feather, who had also been dropped off, was so exhausted by the whole affair that he slept peacefully through the rest of Christmas Eve, too tired to even have his usual nightmares.
As for Awkwardman, he’d accidentally dropped himself off, but fortunately for him it had been a soft landing. He looked at the comatose figure that he’d landed on.
“Mad Mod, we really have to stop meeting like this!”
The End!